Friday 12th February 2016. 1:28am.
Recently I’ve been so tired and uninspired, so somebody recommended ‘free writing’. I don’t really know the specifics, but I suppose you just write about whatever comes to mind, so that’s what I’m doing.
Even though I’m a ‘blogger’, I often find it difficult to get words out through typing… I usually write out my history essays by hand too, then type them up afterwards. It’s a slow process, but if I’m writing by hand, I know I’m thinking more about the words that I’m conjuring up, because I can’t simply delete them from existence.
Perhaps I should find a notebook that I can dedicate specifically to this writing malarkey, and take it around London with me; right now I’m using a book that has a variety of Ancient history notes, archaeological terminology, and random pieces of information that I found interesting. I guess it’ll do for now.
It’s verging on 2am on a Thursday night (well, technically Friday now), and there’s no way I can sleep any time soon. My mind is always awake, buzzing with ideas, but lacking the motivation to make them reality. I have so many questions, with so few answers. I enjoy writing to-do lists, then struggle to achieve what’s on them. Life just always gets in the way – the little mundane tasks like buying food, or doing laundry, take away precious time that I could be studying, or practicing guitar, or writing.
I guess I’m just not very good at looking after myself, both mentally and physically. I hate to admit it, but I’m so often filled with self-loathing, picking out all the parts I want to change in the mirror, or endlessly scrolling through tumblr, singing sad songs to myself while generally not feeding myself properly. As mucha s I love fruit and water, essentially living off it since my boyfriend went back to America in January obviously wasn’t a good idea, culminating in a fainting incident last week, and feeling a bit ‘shaky’ ever since. Perhaps this should serve as a warning to myself to actually respect that even though my mind doesn’t want food, my body needs it.
I’ve also gotten into this awful habit of going to the gym at around 3-4am. The logic is that I can’t sleep so maybe it’ll tire me out, but I always end up even more awake with the adrenaline rush and bright lights. Of course the gym is practically empty at this time, which makes me feel so much less self-conscious. So many insecurities floating around my brain, I wish I could turn them off. My inner monologue of paranoia and worry gets a bit much sometimes.
I finished one of the best book series’ I’ve ever read today, Splintered by A.G Howard. It’s a dark version of Alice in Wonderland, with lots of twists, and I relate so much to the main character Alyssa. Perhaps this is why I’ve felt a bit empty today… I just need to lose myself in another good book.