Free Writing.

Free Writing.

 

Free Writing

Friday 12th February 2016. 1:28am.

Recently I’ve been so tired and uninspired, so somebody recommended ‘free writing’. I don’t really know the specifics, but I suppose you just write about whatever comes to mind, so that’s what I’m doing.

Even though I’m a ‘blogger’, I often find it difficult to get words out through typing… I usually write out my history essays by hand too, then type them up afterwards. It’s a slow process, but if I’m writing by hand, I know I’m thinking more about the words that I’m conjuring up, because I can’t simply delete them from existence.

Perhaps I should find a notebook that I can dedicate specifically to this writing malarkey, and take it around London with me; right now I’m using a book that has a variety of Ancient history notes, archaeological terminology, and random pieces of information that I found interesting. I guess it’ll do for now.

It’s verging on 2am on a Thursday night (well, technically Friday now), and there’s no way I can sleep any time soon. My mind is always awake, buzzing with ideas, but lacking the motivation to make them reality. I have so many questions, with so few answers. I enjoy writing to-do lists, then struggle to achieve what’s on them. Life just always gets in the way – the little mundane tasks like buying food, or doing laundry, take away precious time that I could be studying, or practicing guitar, or writing.

I guess I’m just not very good at looking after myself, both mentally and physically. I hate to admit it, but I’m so often filled with self-loathing, picking out all the parts I want to change in the mirror, or endlessly scrolling through tumblr, singing sad songs to myself while generally not feeding myself properly. As mucha s I love fruit and water, essentially living off it since my boyfriend went back to America in January obviously wasn’t a good idea, culminating in a fainting incident last week, and feeling a bit ‘shaky’ ever since. Perhaps this should serve as a warning to myself to actually respect that even though my mind doesn’t want food, my body needs it.

I’ve also gotten into this awful habit of going to the gym at around 3-4am. The logic is that I can’t sleep so maybe it’ll tire me out, but I always end up even more awake with the adrenaline rush and bright lights. Of course the gym is practically empty at this time, which makes me feel so much less self-conscious. So many insecurities floating around my brain, I wish I could turn them off. My inner monologue of paranoia and worry gets a bit much sometimes.

I finished one of the best book series’ I’ve ever read today, Splintered by A.G Howard. It’s a dark version of Alice in Wonderland, with lots of twists, and I relate so much to the main character Alyssa. Perhaps this is why I’ve felt a bit empty today… I just need to lose myself in another good book.

Thanks for reading my rambles,
Emily

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  • Elizabeth

    I hope you are feeling a bit more settled soon. Writing is a good way to get things out and might even help you find how why you’re feeling the way you do. Chin up, tomorrow is a new day! :)

  • sarah Lea

    I can relate to this. Always picking out the bits I don’t like about myself. And I find it SO hard to sleep. I do find writing helps, I have a notepad next to my bed which I write my thoughts and feelings into when I’m wide awake at 3am. I find that does help a little :)

  • Hungry_Healthy_Happy

    Writing can definitely help me to feel better. Although, I am not sure what would come out if I just wrote what ever was on my mind.

  • I hope you find yourself in a better place soon. I hate not being able to sleep it feels so strange to be awake when everyone else is asleep. Putting down your thought on paper should be a huge help and I think your idea of getting a notebook for this purpose is great.

  • Rhian Westbury

    I’m not one to talk as I don’t have a normal sleeping pattern but try and get yourself into some sort of routine like waking yourself up at 8am every day regardless of whether you have stuff to do, eventually you’ll start getting tired earlier and it might help x

  • You remind me a lot of myself. I tend to do this style of writing on my typewriter x

    Erin | beingerin.com

  • Bex Smith

    Writing can definitely help to feel better. Hope you’re in a better place soon x

  • I love this idea. As bloggers, I think we forget how to write..just to write. Always thinking about the blogs! Hope you’re okay though xo

    • Thank-you, and yes, I totally think about the blog more than the writing itself a lot of the time!

  • Teresa Bowen

    Writing for no other reason than just getting the words out of your head and onto paper is a freeing experience. Setting an alarm for ten minutes and then just writing with no care about spelling, grammar, subject matter or neatness can be liberating.

  • I’ve heard a couple of people talking about how much better they feel for just getting words out this week. I’m wondering if you would benefit for some relaxations therapies to help you sleep? Going to the gym so early doesn’t sound much fun.

  • Emma White

    see I can just sit and write for hours and the sleep thing I know all to well

  • I feel like I couldn’t agree more with everything you have said! I think when you’re busy/stressed something has to give and its usually your wellbeing! I am in no way an expert but meditation and mindfulness is a game changer. I had a stressful situation to face today and lying down and just breathing and being mindful of breath and surroundings is incredible for getting rid of everything bad and helps you focus on the now and chill out. I’ve still yet to find a cure for lying in bed wide awake at 2am though!

    http://www.sheepishlyshameful.com

    • Exactly. I’ve been into yoga recently, but definitely need to work on mindfulness.

  • I free write a lot. I find it easy to do that when my mind is blank and I just can’t think. I enjoyed reading your rambles.

  • Natasha Mairs

    I love writing lists and have a notebook full of ideas, but I never seem to find the time to actually do any of them. Just like you, I am always busy tidying up etc. And I never knew there were gyms open at that time in the night/morning!

  • kitty kaos

    I read a book called the artists way which to help clear your mind to think creatively they suggested doing morning pages. You wrote 3 pages of anything in your head and don’t read it back but it clears your head and makes you so much more productive for the rest of the day! I have notebooks and love them x

  • Emily you’ve basically described how I feel all the time these days!!! I have lots of ideas but no motivation, lots of lists but nothing gets done :( Trying to make a change this weekend but so far it’s not going too well and I’m still in bed at 3pm on a Saturday… Going to check out Splintered now! I love a good dark retelling :)

    • I feel you. The Splintered series is great, I really recommend it.

  • Hannah Malanga

    I know feeling too. When I went through a really bad point with my depression I found it helpful to be able to write down anything and everything that came into my mind knowing no one could ever see it then burnt it when i was feeling a bit better

  • Ali

    Wow I can’t imagine going to the gym at that time of night. I hope writing things down will help you.

  • I have to admit I like the idea of free writing but I worry that nothing would come to mind if I sat and just let things flow.

  • Beautyqueenuk

    I think blogging is a bit like free writing, I often sit looking at the screen waiting for words to just come x

    • Totally! I find it easier to write by hand than by typing though.

  • Jessica

    I can feel you. Free writing is definitely a good heal. :) thanks for your openness.

  • Beth

    Oh wow. I have never known anyone to be going to a gym that early!! I never even knew a gym was even open that early either haha! Great post x

  • I’m the same with to do lists. i make excuses to do them later on. need to stop this habit

  • Charlotte

    It has been so long since I wrote anything by hand, other than the odd list and appointments. Need to change that!

  • Zena’s Suitcase

    I hope you find your mojo again soon. I think free writing will help you. It’s bound to flex that writing muscle and somewhere down the line you will hit an inspiring blog post idea I’m sure

  • Aimée Julia Cottle

    I prefer to write stuff by hand too, so I know where you’re coming from there. You definitely put more care into it when you’re writing it out by hand! I hope you find your way back from the funk soon. That book sounds really good, I’ll have to add it to my to read pile! x http://www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x