Broken

Broken

I wrote in my previous blog post that I’d needed a break from blogging, that I was uninspired, but I was ready to come back and work hard at it. I meant that. However, it’s been 5 days now and I haven’t written a single word. Sometimes life just happens and gets in the way, but I don’t even feel like I’m doing anything right now. There’s no excuse, my life isn’t busy, instead I’m just drinking excessive cups of tea, eating food I know is bad for me, and spending money that I don’t have on beer. I’ve never wanted my blog to be a negative space, as I mentioned in my last post about my insecurities, and I tried to put a positive spin on it, sharing how I’ve been trying to combat my self-esteem issues etc, but I just can’t pretend to be happy when I’m not.

I try to have a positive outlook, I make plans, to-do lists, try and sort everything out, and I’m often filled with great ideas for self-improvement, blog posts, videos, song lyrics, but they just don’t materialise.

I think to myself “I’m going to get ahead and work on my dissertation before term starts”, but I have no idea what to do or where to start and I’m terrified.

I tell myself “I’m going to write more blog posts”, and I have a list of ideas, but I sit and stare at a blank wordpress page with nothing to write. I then open the blogs of my friends, and wonder why I can’t be as good as them.

I play guitar and sing, decide to record a cover or write a song, then play it back and immediately hate it, and delete it. I’ve literally recorded hundreds of covers and many original songs that no one else has seen.

I convince myself to do more exercise, I buy a yoga mat, get new gym clothes and trainers that fit properly, join a gym, subscribe to yoga/pilates youtube channels, but I’m just too tired to do anything. I then look at my little stomach pouch, on my size 8 body, and feel like a chubby, unattractive failure.

I’m starting my third year of an Ancient History degree, at King’s College London, a wonderful university, a 2:1 is very attainable for me, I have a nice place to live with my friends, everything seems to be falling into place… except my crippling feeling of impending doom. It’s like my brain knows something bad is going to happen, and most of the time I seem to be right, which makes me listen to and justify those insecure, anxious thoughts. I don’t believe in the law of attraction, but it does seem like my fears and nightmares always come true and then I blame myself for them happening.

How is it nearly September already? How have I wasted the summer doing essentially nothing? I wanted to work hard on my blog, music, YouTube channels, dissertation and body (healthy eating, yoga, more exercise etc), but I feel like there’s never enough time… Even though I’ve done nothing for about 3 months. I have a little burst of energy or positivity, then go back into my shy, negative self. I always see the best in people, but never in myself. My personality type is INFP, which I may write a blog post about as well, but here’s a link if you want to read more about that to understand what I’m on about, and perhaps take the 16 Personalities test for yourself.

Everything just seems to be broken recently, my mental health is not great, I think I have a vitamin b12 deficiency, and in the past week two of my favourite possessions – my kindle and Pandora bracelet – have broken.

Another rambly, emotional blog post from me, but I hope things will be looking up soon. Maybe all of these thoughts will miraculously turn into a great album with some mega emotional lyrics. Or not. Thank-you so much if you read this, if you leave comments or tweet me, it really does mean a lot.

Emily

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