I haven’t posted a blog since the 11th of August. That’s pretty awful, even for me. I’ve been stressing most days trying to find inspiration for a blog post, but maybe I just needed a break. Anyway, instead of waiting for inspiration to come, I’m just going to throw myself into it again and write about whatever the hell comes into my mind.
I have a lot of worries right now – I still need to sort out certain things like contents insurance for the new place (despite no money because yay London is too expensive for students), I have an impending sense of doom as September approaches because I know I should start working on my dissertation but I’m scared about being a final year student. I haven’t uploaded a cover to my singing YouTube channel in 3 months because I don’t like anything I record, then I delete it.
This isn’t going to be a negative blog post. There’s SO much negativity in the blogging community recently, and while I agree with a lot of ‘ranty’ tweets that I see on my timeline, it does make me withdraw into myself a little and stay out of it. There are a few of my favourite bloggers that always cheer me up though, one example being Jemma from Dorkface. Her positivity, energy, creativity and commitment to her blog inspires me to work harder on mine every time I read it. One blog post of Jemma’s that recently stood out to me was ‘All My Insecurities’, where she lists and explains some of her insecurities, and I admire that ‘open book’ mentality.
I’m definitely not one for copying other bloggers (be original yo), but Jemma has inspired me to write my own blog post about my personal insecurities. I’ve been focusing on them so much recently that I feel like I need to just get it out in order to just b r e a t h e again. So I’ve got a cup of tea, some notes I’ve written in my bullet journal (I uploaded a video about my bullet journal yesterday if you want to check it out), and I’m sitting in the sunshine, ready to spill my guts. Here we go…
I have lines on my forehead from frowning, raising my eyebrows (mostly from putting those pesky contact lenses in), and staring at computer screens for far too long. Part of me wants to get botox or something similar to fix it, but of course, I don’t have the money, I don’t want to give in to cosmetic insecurities, and I’m only 20. But those lines really do bother me, and with curly hair, I feel like it’d be too high maintenance to get a fringe to cover them up. I have similar lines on my neck too – my mother calls it ‘tech neck’, from looking down at laptop and phone screens too much, and I hate them almost as much as my forehead. Those two things aren’t even my biggest insecurity – that space is reserved for my nose. There’s a special place in hell for my nose hatred. I’ve wanted a ‘nose job’ from around the age of 11, when I realised that the Italian nose I have looks a bit weird with my otherwise petite Irish features. I wouldn’t want a completely different nose, but I wish it were a bit smaller and a little straighter. I don’t have thousands of pounds for surgery, and if I did, I’d probably get something more worthwhile like laser eye surgery or I’d save the money, so I feel like it’s just a pipe dream, and I’m scared that I’ll never be happy with how I look.
Starting my Final Year of University
I genuinely feel like I’m not old enough, and that I don’t know enough, to be starting the last year of my BA in Ancient History. I read a lot, I pay attention in lectures, but I guess I expected to learn a lot more than I have in the past two years. I’m very interested in the topic I’ve chosen for my dissertation, but I’m scared about actually starting it because I know I need a 1st in order to be happy with it. I’ve worked out the exact percentages I need in every module to get what I want, which makes me feel a bit relieved because it won’t be that hard to get a 2:1 overall in my degree, but I have lots of exams this year, and the thought of them invokes fear and dread in me. I don’t want this to be an overwhelmingly negative post, so I will say that planning in advance my dissertation ideas and talking to my supervisor about it, figuring out what grades I need to get, and reading a lot about the subject has really helped me feel more prepared. Also, there are endless documentaries about the Ancient Romans!
There’s Not Enough Time
Do you have the fear that you’re running out of time? Like you have so many things you want to do and achieve, but not enough time in the day to do so? I feel so guilty when I have a day of doing nothing, and I feel like I want to achieve so much with my life but it’s running away with me. It may sound foolish, but I’m so apprehensive about turning 21 on Halloween because I always thought I’d be more ‘together’ by then – it’s supposed to be the best time of your life right? Why am I so insecure and shy then? I think that comparison has a lot to do with this, especially with social media. I can see what my friends have achieved (and other bloggers), and feel insignificant and not good enough. It’s a vicious cycle! I think I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to achieve.
I have very little self-confidence, and that is exacerbated by my anxious mind. I feel like my mind never shuts off, I’m always worrying about what productive things I should be doing rather than looking after myself and relaxing. Living in London doesn’t help, because you can often feel like everyone is looking at you and judging on the tube, that everyone is gorgeous and skinny (I swear I see so many people who could be models), and everyone is in a rush to get where they need to be, while the country girl in me just wants to explore and take it slow. I’ve not mentioned this on the blog or on social media before, but I am on medication for anxiety, I regularly see a doctor about it, and I’ve been trying hard to reduce those panic-y feelings and prevent my mind from running away with itself. Sometimes you just have to admit that you’re not okay and need help, rather than keeping it all inside. Protip: yoga, lots of water and a good sleeping pattern helps. I often suffer from insomnia, because my anxious brain thinks about bad things, embarrassing moments, horrible memories etc, but trying to be mindful and positive is a journey that can’t be completed in a day. We all need to start somewhere.
Anyway, those are the majority of my insecurities (but not all, because I don’t want to spend all day pondering the things I dislike about myself). Your insecurities could be very similar or very different to mine, but we all have them. I hope that this makes you feel better about yours.